Losing my Mom has been the most significant thing in my life. It's changed everything in my world, even if the rest of it goes on unaware. One of the hardest realities I've had to deal with lately is that my grief is something I have to face alone. Some people can help, some can listen, but most people can't or won't accompany me on the journey. Others who loved my Mom are grieving too, but in their own ways, and are on different paths of awareness and recovery.
When one of my favorite songs came on the radio the other day, it was nice to hear the familiar words. As a songwriter, I know songs are are very personal and cover specific emotions and situations, but that they allow others to find their own meaning and experiences in the lyrics. Although I didn't write this song, I made it "mine" long ago because the lyrics melted into my thoughts and became a memoir of a painful time. I was comforted to hear that the song has "changed" with me. Because I am hearing it now from a different angle, it can help me through this phase of life, too.
The song is "A Long December" by Counting Crows. I liked to play it on my piano, so I changed a few minor words like "she" to "he" to better fit my situation (marked with **)
The first time I fell in love with it, I was dealing with a painful breakup. I was having a hard time getting over the guy and wanted him to come back, especially since I was so sad about my mom, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer. My family and I cried lots of tears in many hospitals, and I started dreading them. It was a hard time in my life. See how the lyrics fit?:
A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving, Oh the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven... I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once *he'll* look across a crowded room, to see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to *St. Louis*, I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m. and talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show *him*
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon, and it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean, I guess I should...
--------------------------------------------------
The whole song fit my emotional state, and most of is self explanatory, but here are the things that might not be obvious:
To me, the "canyons" were my struggles that I had to face in the day, and "one more night in hollywood" represented movies or shows I watched at night to distract myself from my breakup and loneliness.
Although I knew that he and I weren't right for each other, I was terrified of that moment when he would find someone else and I would have to admit we were over forever.
My whole life, whenever I've enjoyed something, I've always had the thought in the back of my mind that I'd better make the most of it because it would soon be over. I felt that way when I knew that my relationship was ending, and when I found out my Mom had cancer.
I was pretty depressed at that time and was trying to think of things that would make me happy, and the ocean was so wild and free. That line reminded me to find positive things to look forward to.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Now, look at the same song from my most recent perspective... some of the same things apply, but mostly I am missing my Mom and trying to recover from the pain of watching her battle cancer and then finally leaving us.
A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving, Oh the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven... I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room, to see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to *St. Louis*, I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m. and talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon, and it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean, I guess I should...
-------------------------------------------------
I can't believe it's been more than a month since Mom died, and I am already starting to forget things, but I still struggle with what I wish I would have done and said.
Even though the past few years have been very difficult with Mom's hospital stays, emergency room visits and the pain she went through, she still found joy in her grandchildren. I look at Hailey now, dancing around in the sunshine and happy, and remember how much Mom loved her and fought harder because of her and Benjamin. Mom's love lives on through all of us.
It still feels lonely without Mom. The days are often hard to get through, and I have to fall asleep to funny sit-coms so that my mind doesn't keep running over the painful details or worries for the future. And the "come to St. Louis" part... I was actually there when she died, and hoped I would see... something-relief on her face, something in her eyes-but she just slipped away so quietly. I have dreams about my Mom, but they aren't very happy ones. I would like it if she would appear in my dreams and tell me that everything is ok now, that dying wasn't as scary as she thought it would be.
---------------------------------------------------
I am grateful to songwriters for putting their thoughts out there for us to hear, and for letting us make what we want of them. We never know what other people might need to hear from us. I need to get writing and put some more songs out there.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
About donkeys, but not really
Grant’s Farm used to have three little spotted donkeys that I looked for every day on my drive to work. I first noticed them on a pretty day, swinging their tails and looking generally happy about life, and from that moment on I started counting on seeing them. It’s funny how little things like that can mean so much to me, but at that time, my husband had just left and I was trying to scrounge up happiness from every possible source. Those donkeys basically became living good-luck symbols for me-on a bad day, I’d strain my eyes to look for them across the field, and if I found them, a little bit of peace would find me and put me in a better mood.
Five years later, I knew something was wrong after a few days of only seeing two of my donkeys. I thought about calling Grant’s Farm to ask if something had happened to one of them, but didn’t want to be a bother. That day at work, someone had brought one of the pieces to our life-sized nativities into the shipping area, and there was my answer- a ghost-white donkey statue sitting on my table. Strange little coincidences always happen that way for me, so I took the “sign” seriously- I knew then that something had happened to the real donkey in question. Saddened, I stayed there for about 30 seconds and petted the statue… which is probably strange, but I’ve always had a soft spot for all things animal, even inanimate ones. Then I called Grant’s Farm.
I wasn’t expecting a response, but I got a call back from the Curator of the Deer Park. In the message she left, she was extremely kind as she explained to me that I was correct, “Granny” had passed away earlier that week. She went on to tell me the story of how the donkeys were donated to the park, told me about the ages and health of the other two and offered to answer any more questions if I wanted to call her back. I was crushed of course, and actually shed more tears than I should have over this news, but I was touched as well. I appreciated the fact that this busy woman had taken the time to call a stranger. I could hear not only sympathy and regret in her voice for having to tell me the news, but also that I wasn’t alone in my attachment to the animals.
Although this happened months ago, I’m writing about this now because I came across something interesting in the Bible that I hadn’t noticed before-a passage about a donkey in Numbers. Balaam was sent by some local king to put a curse on the Israelites, but his donkey kept veering off of the road because she saw an angel in the way and she was afraid. Although her master beat her, the donkey would not walk that way and eventually lay down. The story goes on to tell of how God allows the donkey to speak to Balaam and question his cruelty, then how his eyes are finally opened so that he sees the angel. God tells Balaam that he was in the wrong and that the donkey knew it, and that He would have spared her life even if He had to kill Balaam to stop him from going down that path.
As a vegetarian and huge animal lover, that story holds a lot of meaning for me, because 1) the donkey recognized God and 2) God cared enough about the donkey to spare her life, even if He would have killed the man that was riding her. It gives me comfort to believe in a God that has love and compassion even for the creatures beneath us. This Bible story probably ties all of my worries and blessings involving the little brown and white donkeys together in some way that I have not yet seen, but for now I know that nobody can guess how much something will mean to someone, no matter how small or insignificant, but that God cares about all of those little details.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Lyrical Intent vs Perception
We've probably all fallen too fast for a song with a good beat or a hauntingly beautiful voice without knowing all of the words... but what happens when the words become clear and are, disappointingly, not at all what we thought? Where does a person draw the line and stop listening to a song (or even an artist) if certain lyrics are in opposition to something he or she stands for?
I appreciate music's freedom of expression and its ability to explain or exaggerate both sides of a point on any given subject-that's what America is supposed to be about. I'm not saying certain songs should be banned from the public based on lyrical content, and I understand that what works for some won't work for all... I want to know what it takes for a person to take a song out of THEIR collection or just plain decide they don't like it. For example:
*When a band offered to pay me to sing on their cd, one of the songs they picked was about a wife who wanted to kill her mean ex-husband. Now, the song was slightly silly and exaggerated, one of those power-to-women songs that people can laugh about, but I didn't want to sing it... Even though I had been through a surprising divorce, none of those feelings resulted. I could have taken the money, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to put another song out in the world like that when there are already so many. But, that wasn't a song I believed in, so I didn't want my name on that kind of song. It appears that "accountability" stopped me that time.
*When I was in a relationship that wasn't working, I would either take a restroom break or change the channel every time the song "Not Meant to Be" by Theory of a Deadman came on, because I wanted to avoid the feelings it gave me. It was almost like the song was screaming "BREAK UP WITH HIM" at me, and I didn't want to hear it. I guess I'd call that reason "avoidance"... and it was purely situational and temporary. I have no problem with the song now that I'm happily married.
*Someone in my past was given the advice by a counselor to stop listening to music with too much angst in it, because she believed it was fueling his anger problems. Whether a person agrees with this or not (that isn't the point), that person stopped listening to a whole genre of music because it was believed to be better for his well-being.
All of those examples could be legitimate reasons for not listening to a certain song... but what about principle? Is what a person stands for important enough to take a little variety out of his or her musical collection?
There is a certain song I hear from time to time that has a child singing the line, "Be careful little eyes what you see." It's about slowly letting go of all that is important to you, one little give-in at a time. Where is the line? I always wonder... if someone meanly wrote a song that was meant to belittle one specific person that I love, would I willingly listen to the song again if I knew it was hurting that person? No, and I would think twice about listening to any of the artist's other songs. Should it be any different if the song is advocating (or even suggesting) an issue I am against?
The song that made me think of this today is by Tori Amos-whose music I love, by the way. Certain ideals of hers and things she has said I do not love, however. The song is beautiful, with a great melody and her soft voice. There is one line that I've been thinking about that says, "My scream got lost in a paper cup, you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone? I've got $25 and a cracker, do you think it's enough to get us there?"
I will not be so bold as to say what her intent was, but it could be perceived in a few ways. When I was younger, I used to think that she thought of Heaven as a place that could save her, and she didn't know how to get there. Now that I'm older, the song could be sarcastically suggesting that churches demand payment for salvation (the cracker could be the communion wafer) and that she believes heaven doesn't hear the suffering down here and sort of...deafly absorbs it .
Whether she meant it that way or not, what does my perception of her intent say to me as a Christian? Even if she pointed out some truth (because certain churches in the past have been guilty of trying to sell salvation), does my idea of the general attitude in the song mean it's something I shouldn't be listening to? What about the entire work of the artist? What if (hypothetically, obviously) that song was specifically insulting someone I loved-a mother, a sister, a husband, a...heavenly father? Should I stop listening then? That's something only I can decide for myself. I was just curious about what reasons other people had for listening (or not) to all of the music available.
I appreciate music's freedom of expression and its ability to explain or exaggerate both sides of a point on any given subject-that's what America is supposed to be about. I'm not saying certain songs should be banned from the public based on lyrical content, and I understand that what works for some won't work for all... I want to know what it takes for a person to take a song out of THEIR collection or just plain decide they don't like it. For example:
*When a band offered to pay me to sing on their cd, one of the songs they picked was about a wife who wanted to kill her mean ex-husband. Now, the song was slightly silly and exaggerated, one of those power-to-women songs that people can laugh about, but I didn't want to sing it... Even though I had been through a surprising divorce, none of those feelings resulted. I could have taken the money, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to put another song out in the world like that when there are already so many. But, that wasn't a song I believed in, so I didn't want my name on that kind of song. It appears that "accountability" stopped me that time.
*When I was in a relationship that wasn't working, I would either take a restroom break or change the channel every time the song "Not Meant to Be" by Theory of a Deadman came on, because I wanted to avoid the feelings it gave me. It was almost like the song was screaming "BREAK UP WITH HIM" at me, and I didn't want to hear it. I guess I'd call that reason "avoidance"... and it was purely situational and temporary. I have no problem with the song now that I'm happily married.
*Someone in my past was given the advice by a counselor to stop listening to music with too much angst in it, because she believed it was fueling his anger problems. Whether a person agrees with this or not (that isn't the point), that person stopped listening to a whole genre of music because it was believed to be better for his well-being.
All of those examples could be legitimate reasons for not listening to a certain song... but what about principle? Is what a person stands for important enough to take a little variety out of his or her musical collection?
There is a certain song I hear from time to time that has a child singing the line, "Be careful little eyes what you see." It's about slowly letting go of all that is important to you, one little give-in at a time. Where is the line? I always wonder... if someone meanly wrote a song that was meant to belittle one specific person that I love, would I willingly listen to the song again if I knew it was hurting that person? No, and I would think twice about listening to any of the artist's other songs. Should it be any different if the song is advocating (or even suggesting) an issue I am against?
The song that made me think of this today is by Tori Amos-whose music I love, by the way. Certain ideals of hers and things she has said I do not love, however. The song is beautiful, with a great melody and her soft voice. There is one line that I've been thinking about that says, "My scream got lost in a paper cup, you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone? I've got $25 and a cracker, do you think it's enough to get us there?"
I will not be so bold as to say what her intent was, but it could be perceived in a few ways. When I was younger, I used to think that she thought of Heaven as a place that could save her, and she didn't know how to get there. Now that I'm older, the song could be sarcastically suggesting that churches demand payment for salvation (the cracker could be the communion wafer) and that she believes heaven doesn't hear the suffering down here and sort of...deafly absorbs it .
Whether she meant it that way or not, what does my perception of her intent say to me as a Christian? Even if she pointed out some truth (because certain churches in the past have been guilty of trying to sell salvation), does my idea of the general attitude in the song mean it's something I shouldn't be listening to? What about the entire work of the artist? What if (hypothetically, obviously) that song was specifically insulting someone I loved-a mother, a sister, a husband, a...heavenly father? Should I stop listening then? That's something only I can decide for myself. I was just curious about what reasons other people had for listening (or not) to all of the music available.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
At the very least, for my own amusement
If anyone actually comes across my blog, it's mostly here because I concentrate better when I get all of the random thoughts out of my head... and because I noticed that my other blogging site has already lost all the comments that my 100 or so blogs had attached to them. I'm hoping for a more permanent site to ramble in, hopefully this can be that site. Anyway...
I've been sifting through the bursts of thought floating around up there, trying to decide which ones I'd like to put on paper and which ones I've outgrown. I'm surprised at how many fall into the latter category. For a time, after my first husband left, the blogs I wrote were all about self-discovery and making it on my own. I was convinced that any story I wrote had to be about women empowerment, the joy they can find on their own and how a woman doesn't need a man.
Those things are all still true for many people, but they do not reflect the lifestyle I have currently (and happily) chosen. The wonderful man I am married to makes my world so rose-colored that right now I could probably only write some cliche "How-To" books on finding the perfect person to share your life with. Maybe after we go through some more life events, such as having kids (in... 8 years?), my writing style will be a little bit more balanced and project less of a "life is perfect" vibe.
Still, it makes me happy to read some of my old blogs from a past relationship and then compare them with the way I feel now. Meeting the right person has made all the difference.
***
Old blog- a copy of "Pretty Things" by Rufus Wainwright, which summed up my feelings for an ex boyfriend:
Pretty things, so what if I like pretty things
Pretty lies, so what if I like pretty lies
From where you are, to where I am now
I need these pretty things, around the planets of our phase
Everything's a sign of my astrology
From where you are, to where I am now
Is its own galaxy
Be a star and fall down somewhere next to me
And make it past your color TV
This time will pass and with it will me
And all these pretty things
Don't say you don't notice them
And also this old blog that I wrote in frustration when I realized I wasn't the type of girl my ex boyfriend wanted...
Style
Look at this, at her, she did this.
No, she's here-right here... see?
Wait, let's get her some more glitter.
Still can't see her? Well... she sings.
That note was yours. Her heart was in it.
Oh, you were humming? To the top.
Yeah, you're right, it's boring. Change it.
Maybe if she weren't standing so still.
Get her a motorcycle. Rollercoaster. Spaceship?
Yes, right there. That's her! I told you.
You took her picture? You're right, that's art.
Wait... that isn't her at all.
And now? Here are some tidbits from my journal from the past few months with my new husband...
...I feel caught in some kind of wonderful whirlwind, something that you want to be caught up in. It’s never been quite like this before. I wish I could remember every single detail, because every single detail is worth remembering. I can’t even really say how we suddenly morphed into a couple from just a couple people hanging out, but somehow we did and it is amazing...
...I told Edward yesterday that I’m constantly surprised by how much there is to him. It’s true. He’s always trying to find the deeper meaning behind things, always wanting to know what’s really on people’s minds, always looking for answers in everything he sees and watches. Plus, he just has this nice, optimistic spirit...
***
I can't find entries that explain it well enough... it's the little things, really. If I get up to find my phone, he meets me with it in his hand before I even mention it. When I told him I was disappointed that I didn't reach my goal of writing a book and making a cd by the age of 21, he wrote those goals down for the new age of 30 on our board in the kitchen. He has shared his life and interests with me, is writing a book with me, has been there for me throughout my mom's battle with cancer and even helped me fight the battles against myself. Edward is peace, and my tired mind is so grateful-both to him and to our wonderful God for giving him to me.
I've been happy alone, unhappy alone, miserable with someone and now am blissfully happy with someone. Bottom line is, I'm happy and I wanted to write about it. I might not be able to do more than babble sweet nothings now, but this is the mood I'm in. That's what's on my mind today.
I've been sifting through the bursts of thought floating around up there, trying to decide which ones I'd like to put on paper and which ones I've outgrown. I'm surprised at how many fall into the latter category. For a time, after my first husband left, the blogs I wrote were all about self-discovery and making it on my own. I was convinced that any story I wrote had to be about women empowerment, the joy they can find on their own and how a woman doesn't need a man.
Those things are all still true for many people, but they do not reflect the lifestyle I have currently (and happily) chosen. The wonderful man I am married to makes my world so rose-colored that right now I could probably only write some cliche "How-To" books on finding the perfect person to share your life with. Maybe after we go through some more life events, such as having kids (in... 8 years?), my writing style will be a little bit more balanced and project less of a "life is perfect" vibe.
Still, it makes me happy to read some of my old blogs from a past relationship and then compare them with the way I feel now. Meeting the right person has made all the difference.
***
Old blog- a copy of "Pretty Things" by Rufus Wainwright, which summed up my feelings for an ex boyfriend:
Pretty things, so what if I like pretty things
Pretty lies, so what if I like pretty lies
From where you are, to where I am now
I need these pretty things, around the planets of our phase
Everything's a sign of my astrology
From where you are, to where I am now
Is its own galaxy
Be a star and fall down somewhere next to me
And make it past your color TV
This time will pass and with it will me
And all these pretty things
Don't say you don't notice them
And also this old blog that I wrote in frustration when I realized I wasn't the type of girl my ex boyfriend wanted...
Style
Look at this, at her, she did this.
No, she's here-right here... see?
Wait, let's get her some more glitter.
Still can't see her? Well... she sings.
That note was yours. Her heart was in it.
Oh, you were humming? To the top.
Yeah, you're right, it's boring. Change it.
Maybe if she weren't standing so still.
Get her a motorcycle. Rollercoaster. Spaceship?
Yes, right there. That's her! I told you.
You took her picture? You're right, that's art.
Wait... that isn't her at all.
And now? Here are some tidbits from my journal from the past few months with my new husband...
...I feel caught in some kind of wonderful whirlwind, something that you want to be caught up in. It’s never been quite like this before. I wish I could remember every single detail, because every single detail is worth remembering. I can’t even really say how we suddenly morphed into a couple from just a couple people hanging out, but somehow we did and it is amazing...
...I told Edward yesterday that I’m constantly surprised by how much there is to him. It’s true. He’s always trying to find the deeper meaning behind things, always wanting to know what’s really on people’s minds, always looking for answers in everything he sees and watches. Plus, he just has this nice, optimistic spirit...
***
I can't find entries that explain it well enough... it's the little things, really. If I get up to find my phone, he meets me with it in his hand before I even mention it. When I told him I was disappointed that I didn't reach my goal of writing a book and making a cd by the age of 21, he wrote those goals down for the new age of 30 on our board in the kitchen. He has shared his life and interests with me, is writing a book with me, has been there for me throughout my mom's battle with cancer and even helped me fight the battles against myself. Edward is peace, and my tired mind is so grateful-both to him and to our wonderful God for giving him to me.
I've been happy alone, unhappy alone, miserable with someone and now am blissfully happy with someone. Bottom line is, I'm happy and I wanted to write about it. I might not be able to do more than babble sweet nothings now, but this is the mood I'm in. That's what's on my mind today.
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