The Songs Change With Me

Losing my Mom has been the most significant thing in my life.  It's changed everything in my world, even if the rest of it goes on unaware.  One of the hardest realities I've had to deal with lately is that my grief is something I have to face alone.  Some people can help, some can listen, but most people can't or won't accompany me on the journey.  Others who loved my Mom are grieving too, but in their own ways, and are on different paths of awareness and recovery.

When one of my favorite songs came on the radio the other day, it was nice to hear the familiar words.  As a songwriter, I know songs are are very personal and cover specific emotions and situations, but that they allow others to find their own meaning and experiences in the lyrics.  Although I didn't write this song, I made it "mine" long ago because the lyrics melted into my thoughts and became a memoir of a painful time.  I was comforted to hear that the song has "changed" with me.  Because I am hearing it now from a different angle, it can help me through this phase of life, too.

The song is "A Long December" by Counting Crows.  I liked to play it on my piano, so I changed a few minor words like "she" to "he" to better fit my situation (marked with **)

The first time I fell in love with it, I was dealing with a painful breakup. I was having a hard time getting over the guy and wanted him to come back, especially since I was so sad about my mom, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer.  My family and I cried lots of tears in many hospitals, and I started dreading them.  It was a hard time in my life.  See how the lyrics fit?:

A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving, Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven... I wish you would 

The smell of hospitals in winter and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once *he'll* look across a crowded room, to see the way that light attaches to a girl 

And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood 
If you think you might come to *St. Louis*, I think you should 

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m. and talked a little while about the year 
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show *him* 

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass 

And it's one more day up in the canyon, and it's one more night in Hollywood 
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean, I guess I should...
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The whole song fit my emotional state, and most of is self explanatory, but here are the things that might not be obvious:

To me, the "canyons" were my struggles that I had to face in the day, and "one more night in hollywood" represented  movies or shows I watched at night to distract myself from my breakup and loneliness.  

Although I knew that he and I weren't right for each other, I was terrified of that moment when he would find someone else and I would have to admit we were over forever. 

My whole life, whenever I've enjoyed something, I've always had the thought in the back of my mind that I'd better make the most of it because it would soon be over.  I felt that way when I knew that my relationship was ending, and when I found out my Mom had cancer. 

I was pretty depressed at that time and was trying to think of things that would make me happy, and the ocean was so wild and free.  That line reminded me to find positive things to look forward to. 
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Now, look at the same song from my most recent perspective... some of the same things apply, but mostly I am missing my Mom and trying to recover from the pain of watching her battle cancer and then finally leaving us.

A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving, Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven... I wish you would 

The smell of hospitals in winter and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room, to see the way that light attaches to a girl 

And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood 
If you think you might come to *St. Louis*, I think you should 

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m. and talked a little while about the year 
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her 

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass 

And it's one more day up in the canyon, and it's one more night in Hollywood 
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean, I guess I should...
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I can't believe it's been more than a month since Mom died, and I am already starting to forget things, but I still struggle with what I wish I would have done and said. 

Even though the past few years have been very difficult with Mom's hospital stays, emergency room visits and the pain she went through, she still found joy in her grandchildren.   I look at Hailey now, dancing around in the sunshine and happy, and remember how much Mom loved her and fought harder because of her and Benjamin.  Mom's love lives on through all of us.  

It still feels lonely without Mom.  The days are often hard to get through, and I have to fall asleep to funny sit-coms so that my mind doesn't keep running over the painful details or worries for the future.  And the "come to St. Louis" part...  I was actually there when she died, and hoped I would see... something-relief on her face, something in her eyes-but she just slipped away so quietly.  I have dreams about my Mom, but they aren't very happy ones.  I would like it if she would appear in my dreams and tell me that everything is ok now, that dying wasn't as scary as she thought it would be. 
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I am grateful to songwriters for putting their thoughts out there for us to hear, and for letting us make what we want of them.  We never know what other people might need to hear from us.  I need to get writing and put some more songs out there.